ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha