Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!