This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
remember
only for emergencies
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance