Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work