My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost