me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.