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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
A friend helps you before you need it
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity