*frowns in Scottish*
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Thursday Thought.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later