Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.