ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo