*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother