After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Haha good job!!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?