INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You Might Also Like
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
kevin is now a local weatherman
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
lmao
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Jokes on them. I took 10.