[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something