I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.