My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
somebody come look at this
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐