“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?