coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?