Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.