We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.