if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Traveler’s camo
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY