My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Hitlers gonna hitl
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Hello Twits.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
groan^2
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.