How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
A family that plays together cheats.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.