I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.