what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
WTF IS THAT!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!