Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Well, my evening plans are ruined