ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn