Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water