Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..