Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
this is so top tier i cant
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic