I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.