Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
A leaf blower, but for people.
ACED my prostate exam!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
this is me
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…