You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You Might Also Like
I wish this was real life…
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?