Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
SPLOOT
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!