I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”