DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*