New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
twitter users today:
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.