I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*praying for world peace*
God:
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”