Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure