Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.