Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You Might Also Like
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*