How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
A Match(.com), but for socks.