If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
You Might Also Like
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?