Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You Might Also Like
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
synchronized noseblowing