“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You Might Also Like
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
PLOT TWIST:
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.