I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
You Might Also Like
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Lmao the reply
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.