lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Favourite diary entry ever
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Taliband
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”