“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.