I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
me irl
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?