Cats (2019)
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Miscakes
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.